Yoo-hoo! It's Valentine's Day, Dad!

By Laurie McDermott

If you are a woman, prepare to be disappointed this Valentine’s Day. If you are a man…prepare, just prepare, please.

Some men are even aware of Valentines Day before it happens, then worry and stress about the perfect gift, when actually doing something nice for your wife is so simple I can tell you what do to right now: buy chocolate, make dinner reservations, and pick up your dirty clothes.

After years of Valentine Let Downs, I realized that I was the one with the problem. One morning, my husband sat in bed staring at me dressed in the little cupid outfit I bought through the Victoria Secret catalog saying, “How cute! A little Christmas Elf!”

Guys just don’t get it.

One year I was proactive and I told my husband, flat out, “I’ll cook a nice dinner. You buy me roses.”

He came home, “You didn’t say you wanted the roses today!”

I was mad but didn’t want to ruin the one night of the year I convinced a babysitter to take the kids ‘out’ of our house for a few hours, so I said, “I wanted them to make the table look pretty and romantic!”

“Why, they’re just gonna die anyway.”

“Yes, and so are you and I like having you around!”

Sometimes I get mad thinking we need to change the name of Valentine’s Day! What a goofy name! “Will you be my Valentine?” Didn’t we say that in third grade with those cutesy red cards we passed to every student in school whether we liked them or thought they were icky? Now they have Spider-Man and Dora valentines, but the geeky stigma is still there, allowing boys to grow up into men thinking Valentine’s Day is ridiculous.

No wonder men can’t remember it. Maybe we should change the name to like …Vaginal Day. What guy would forget that? It’s straight. To the point. No hiding. He’d come home…“Here’s your chocolate and your flowers, ahhh…when can I have my vagina?”

Instead of hearts men will be putting big lips over the Feb 14th on their calendars. (You know, if Bill Clinton were President again, he’d think this was a wonderful idea!)

Since Valentine’s Day is around the corner and Clinton is not president, here’s some advice for the men looking to make their wife happy this Valentine’s Day.

1. Don’t buy her lingerie, unless you know she’s in love with her body and there is a gift tag on it.

My husband loves buying me sexy lingerie on Valentine’s Day. Literally ON Valentine’s Day. Never before. And he always buys it at the one place, Costco. Once in awhile he’ll splurge and go to that other fancy place, Sam’s. But one time, he came home with this teeny box with an itsy-bitsy thing inside that he assumed I would put over my head and then strut around the room.

At that moment, three things raced through my head; 1) I’m too fat to be in this thing, 2) I’m too old to be in this thing, 3) Do I want my husband to see my body wear the outfit Buffy the mannequin was wearing at the store?

Truth be told, men always think we are smaller than we really are. Hence the reason my husband came home with a size zero stringy thingee the year we were married.

“I’ve never been a size zero,” I said holding two pieces of string that were to go over my head and mangle themselves into a nightgown.

“You were a size zero when we got married. I saw it on the inside of your wedding dress!”

“They do that to wedding dresses so that women will feel skinny!”

From that day on he decided against buying lingerie. I agreed.

NOTE: There are only like two women in the world that like their body. If your wife is one of them, write yourself a note and keep it with you forever: “I am a lucky man.”

2. Don’t just “take” her to dinner.

Surprise her. Tell her to be ready at a certain time and you will pick her up like you did back when you were dating. (Just don’t be late.) Then book a babysitter to come early so she can get ready alone in peace like she did for you before you had kids.

3. Do send flowers.

I always complain about the high cost of those pretty-smelling things that you can pick in a neighbors yard, but we women love receiving flowers. If your wife works, send flowers to her work. All women want everyone to know someone else thinks they are special. If your wife doesn’t work, send them to her at home early in the day so she has the whole day to feel warm and fuzzy about you.

4. When the lights go out, remember this day is about her, not you.

Give her what she wants. If she looks tired, tell her, “All I want to do is cuddle.” Then, cuddle. It could be hard, but suck it up. SuperBowl is over. This day is for her.

5. Deliver the big payoff.

Book a babysitter (one your wife loves) and tell your wife she has 15 minutes to pack for a weekend away. Verbally tell her, “You need one dressy outfit, one casual outfit, one bathing suit (forget packing for her yourself, ‘cause it could be detrimental if you screw it up). Then whisk her away for a weekend that you planned, telling her, “Everything is taken care of.” Then just make sure, EVERYTHING is taken care of.

No matter how much you think you participate, most women still do a bit more to keep the family happily ticking along. So on Valentine’s Day, do something special for the one you love and she’ll remember it forever. Well at least till next year!

Laurie McDermott is a mom of two, stand-up comic, and author of the new book CEO of the House. She can be reached at www.lauriemcdermott.com.